Self-Absorbed, but Not Self-Aware.

Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash

You, Lord, turned me back towards myself, taking me from behind my own back where I had put myself all the time that I preferred not to see myself.
–Augustine, Confessions, Book VII, 16

From the very earliest days of my Christian life, I’ve sought to be well-informed in truth, well-studied in Scripture and theology. And I still do.

But after a ministry failure crisis ten years ago, God began revealing me to myself as well as himself. I’m sure he has always been inviting me to be searched by him, but I was wary and afraid of being known.

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My book learning and bible memorization were way ahead of my relational learning, ignorant as I was in the ways of love, openness, and trust. While highly informed, I was only dimly aware of the dynamics between God and myself—his invitations and my evasions. I was unaware of my deepest desires and feelings that drove me.

For decades, as a pastor, I knew a lot theologically but was only dimly aware of my inner life and was self-absorbed. I was self-absorbed but not self-aware. I thought all my motives were about serving God and helping people. I was shocked that people in the church resisted my “great ideas.” I was hurt, resentful, and angry about this, but suppressed these feelings. I created a lot of conflict, unaware of the hurt I was causing.

I still battle with self-absorption. But I’m learning to open myself to God’s searching. I am learning to ask myself better questions.

Perhaps you can relate. Perhaps you are shocked and perplexed by the feedback you receive from people/.

In this post, I want to suggest some things that may help…

What does Self-Awareness Consist Of?

Self-awareness is not just an awareness of weaknesses, wounds, and sin. That kind of awareness is needed, but so is the awareness of being a recipient of God’s lavish grace and love—how he sees you as his beloved and as broken.

So, the self-awareness I’m writing about is a growing awareness of God’s loving presence and calling over the course of your life, your strengths and passions, formative experiences (both helpful and hurtful), deeper desires, emotions, thinking patterns, besetting sins, wounds, social impact, triggers, and mental health vulnerabilities.

Why Do We Tend to Lack Self-awareness?

We usually are not encouraged along these lines. Most people don’t ask us questions that require awareness. More often, they seek information about what you do, your work, and your opinion on some topic. Sometimes the church views self-awareness as self-centeredness. We are sometimes taught a distorted version of self-denial.

Plus, the experiences we do have of becoming self-aware are often painful. Failures exposed. Shame and guilt.

You may fear that if you were truly known, you would not be loved. So better to project an image of yourself that people will admire or at least accept.

But perhaps the major reason we lack self-awareness is that we prefer it. We lie to ourselves, preferring self-justification and self-protection over self-awareness.

Why become self-aware?

Becoming more self-aware is the only way to honest relationships—with God as well as others. It’s the only way to become known and loved for who you really are. It’s the only way to love people genuinely and without agendas.

Five Ways to Become More Self-aware

Here are five practices I’ve found helpful in becoming more aware of myself and God’s movements toward me.

1 Get the Gospel into your Heart. The gospel is what makes “non-traumatic” self-awareness possible.

2 Ask God to Search You and Pray Honestly

3 Practice Naming Your Emotions

4 Reveal Yourself to a Few Key Friends

5 Read Thoughtful Fiction, Memoirs, and Poetry

Over the course of my next three posts, I will detail each of the five practices.

In this post, I will start with #3 “Naming Your Emotions.”

I’m not saying that our feelings are the most important thing to be aware of, but that emotions are a practical starting point for becoming aware of our heart’s posture toward God and the gospel.

I’ve learned a lot about the role of emotions from spiritual directors like Gordon Smith:

Nothing so captures the inner recesses of our beings as what is happening to us emotionally. Yes, there are superficial and passing feelings. But the genius of good spiritual direction is that we probe together and attend to the emotional wake that is left by the myriad of experiences we have had or are having. (Gordon T Smith, Spiritual Direction, 28).

Questions are key in creating awareness, for example:

“Tell me about your key relationships… and tell me about your work —and where in these relationships there is joy and, of course, where there is sorrow, stress, disappointment and perhaps disillusionment.” And we consider, “What might God be saying through this particular point of sorrow or stress or joy?” And we pay attention. We grow in wisdom as we see and know ourselves and recognize the particularity of God’s work in our lives. The trace of God’s presence in our lives is found in that emotional wake—the joys and sorrows we have experienced along the way. (Gordon T. Smith, Spiritual Direction, 40,41).

Our emotions are not so much a means of finding truth as indicators of how we respond to God, windows into our souls, so we can relate to God as we are. We sometimes will become aware of resistance or fear of trusting him. As seasoned directors, Barry and Connally put it like this:

Growth in a relationship requires that I pay attention to the other person. It also requires that I pay attention to what happens inside me when I am in the presence of the other and that I share my reactions with him or her. In the same way, I am free to respond or not to respond to God only when I am aware of the reactions I experience as I begin to pay attention to God. (Barry & Connolly, The Practice of Spiritual Direction, 67).

The most helpful way of becoming emotionally aware that I’ve practiced comes from J.P. Moreland:

One basic disadvantage for most of us is that we don’t know how to label our various emotions to easily talk about them.
Like learning a foreign language, we need to acquire
a new vocabulary that helps us describe our inner world.

Moreland and Issler, Lost Virtue of Happiness, 69

Moreland developed the simple checklist below. He reduced the range of feelings to five broad categories, using two sets of words that sound very similar for ease of memory: glad, sad, mad, and dreams and threads. The first three are related to now or the last few days. The second two are longer-term. Think of it as the five fingers on your hand.

1. Was I glad today? (joyful, hopeful, at peace)

2. Was I sad today? (sorrowful, disappointed, hurt, depressed)

3. Was I mad today? (angry, frustrated, resentful, bitter)

4. What do I dread? (anxiety, fear of failure, conflict, or rejection)

5. What are my dreams for the future? (longings, desires, vision)

I suggest you journal about these questions. The exercise challenging for me because I tend to state my feelings in terms of how I should feel: “Since resentment is wrong, I’m not resentful.”

Denial is Counter-Productive

Many of us intellectualize and moralize our emotions as if they are correct or incorrect, right or wrong. I was once warned, “Don’t cork your fear with theology.” That’s me saying, “Paul tells us in Philippians 4 not to be anxious. I believe the Bible is God’s word, and I memorized that passage, so I’m not anxious.”

Beware of viewing sadness or anger as a failure of faith. You may be sad or angry because you were treated unjustly. If so, you are sad because it hurts and you’re not callous. You have a sense of justice that tells you may need to erect a boundary. Forgiving the offense is a separate matter. Denying the pain of being sinned against is not forgiveness.

So, do your best to be honest with God and yourself—like the Psalmists.

Look “Under” the Emotions

After thinking about whether you are glad, sad, mad, or dreading or dreaming, try to look under the feelings. What’s driving these?

Did a friend’s questions upset me because I overvalue approval? Do I try to control people’s impression of me? Did losing that control set me off, or deflate me? Am I resentful because I’m inordinately attached to my agenda?

Compose a Prayer

Consider turning the results of your emotional exploration into a prayer. For example:

Lord, you know my inward heart, search me and show me more of myself.
Ground me in the security of your love and approval so I can face myself.
Thank you for the moments of joy you’ve given me.
Show me what is behind my sadness, anger, or dread.
Kindle afresh dreams and longings that are your invitations into a greater closeness with you. Amen.

Consider Sharing Your Experience with a Friend

If you have a friend or spouse you feel comfortable with, may help to share some of what you’ve discovered. There are realizations I only have when I’m speaking out loud, and someone asks me a good question in response.

Next time, I will take a look at how the gospel and confession enable greater self-awareness.