If I Need to Become More Self-Aware, How Would I Become Aware of That?
"I preferred not to see myself." -Augustine
By way of reminder:
The purpose of the Aware & Connected Leader is to help you do two things better:
1. Be in touch with and manage your leadership anxiety, fear, frustration, and anger.
2. Stay connected to your colleagues and in conversation—especially in the midst of conflict and busyness.
It should be clear, too, that self-awareness requires connection, and connection involves self-awareness and self-regulation. And each of those involves awareness of God’s grace.
This quote from Augustine arrested me:
While my friend was speaking,
You, Lord, turned me back
towards myself,
taking me from behind my own back where I had put myself,
where I preferred not to see myself.
Augustine, Confessions, Book VIII, 7:16
Here is a question I’ve been thinking about, which I encourage you to ask yourself:
If I need to become more self-aware, how would I become aware of that?
And:
If I’m at all disconnected from people, how would I become aware and reconnect?
While I’ve sometimes become aware of myself directly as I prayed and meditated on Scripture, increasing self-awareness has often come through conversations with other people.
Many times, I’ve been obliviously out of touch with intense emotions within me and even more out of touch with the idols of my heart that spurred those emotions. And many times, I’ve been callous and even indifferent to the way I impact other people.
Sometimes I gain self-awareness in conversations because people ask me questions that I initially had trouble answering.
For example, “How are you feeling?” “Are you stressed?” What is it you really want?” “Are you resentful?”
Those kinds of questions are hard to forget, and I often become aware of things over the course of a few days or a week.
There is often a gap in time between knowing what I feel and knowing why I feel that—knowing what drives it.
For example, I become aware that I am anxious at work around certain team members. Later I see that it is because I want to project an image that I am more “together” than I am. I want to manage and control the image they have of me.
…
Self-awareness also comes through hearing negative feedback from others.
At that point, it’s tempting to defend my behavior by saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s not what I intended.” The opportunity to become more self-aware is easily lost and squandered, becoming a descent into bitterness, resentment, and blame.
God will often reveal me through others whom I love, which exposes my pride. Sometimes he wins me over with his gentle piercing. His grace awakens me, and I become more of a humble learner—until I take my pride in that, and the cycle goes on. But self-awareness increases along the way. And as I repent and apologize to others, I become more connected to them and God.
So, vulnerable connection makes me more self-aware and less self-absorbed.
It’s also possible to gain self-awareness directly from God in Scripture—if you truly want to be searched by him.
Do you honestly pray like David?
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:24,25)
That’s a hard prayer to pray. What if God answers?
And when I do pray that prayer, sometimes I receive an impression from God but not a clear answer. But later, in conversation with a friend, it clarifies. Sometimes in unflattering ways.
After getting some answers to the first question, “If I need to become more self-aware, how would I become aware of that?”, the second question, “If I’m at all disconnected from people, how would I become aware and connect?”, gets clarified.
Because I let friends or colleagues help me become more self-aware, and I cooperate to some extent, we feel more connected.
